February 21, 2013 by jmar198013
—Calvin Luther Edwards, III: Contributing Editor for The Phinehas Page—
My readers who attended Steed-Ramrick University will no doubt remember Dr. Remus Philbert as a professor of Logic, Hermeneutics, and Christian evidences. Others will know him for his work as a debater, and on the lectureship and revival circuits. Personally, whenever I think of Brother Philbert, what always comes to mind is his formidable moustache. It was, of course, his moustache that once inspired a forensic sparring partner to jeeringly refer to him as “Brother Walrus Philbert.” The man in question’s name was T. Taytor Tant. In Brother Philbert’s rebuttal to Tant’s argument (Tant was affirming that using doilies on communion trays was opulent, sissified, and most of all, unscriptural), Brother Philbert concluded: “So you see, brothers and sisters, I believe I’ve just peeled me a Taytor!” For a full account of this exchange, readers should refer to pages 92 to 97 of The Tant-Philbert Discussion Concerning Church Kitchens, Communion Trays, Pitch Pipes, and Sunday Schools. The book is available through the Steed-Ramrick University book store, and is published by the Cortez, TN-based Banner of Love Publications.
“It is my distinct pleasure to present to you today Brother Hollis ‘Mack’ Snipes,” said Brother Philbert. “Brother Snipes is a scholar and a gentleman, and a good buddy of mine. Now, I could just rehash what you can read about him in the lectureship book, but that would be a waste of time. So instead I’m gonna tell y’all a story about old Brother Mack.
“Good Brother Mack was shaving the other Sunday morning, and he cut himself several times. I mean he tore his face smooth up! And when he came downstairs for breakfast with several hanks of toilet tissue on his face, his wife asked him how come he’d cut his face all up. He told her he’d been distracted–thinking about his sermon more than he was about shaving. So his wife told him he might ought to think about shaving his sermons!
“And now, brothers and sisters, it is my honor to give to you Brother Mack Snipes: a real cut-up!”
Brother Snipes strode to the lectern with the clompy grace of a heavyweight boxer past his prime–which is, in fact, the truth of the matter. Before he went to the West Virginia Institute of Preaching and Missions, Mack Snipes was a phys. ed. teacher and a semi-professional boxer. One of his former sparring partners in Raceland, KY had gone on to fight a very young Mike Tyson, and afterwards he had to have his nose reattached by a skilled plastic surgeon. Mack Snipes may no longer engage in physical fisticuffs, but he still bobs and weaves his way through sermons and debates, letting loose a barrage of Scripture combos here and there, punctuated by brutal body shots of homespun anecdotes, all laced together with poetic shuck and jive routines.
Brother Snipes wasted no time on salutatory niceties. “My text for today is Jude 7,” he began, “which reads: ‘Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.’ Now brethren, this verse plainly states beyond any shadow of reasonable doubt that the fate of those godless and perverse cities of old points like an arrow to the fate of all wicked and unrepentant people on that day when the Lord shall judge the deeds of all men. And that fate, my friends, is eternal fire!“